Last week I passed Love Brownies Guildford in Tunsgate, splashed across the window, Now Open, only they were not open.
An example of Guildford surrealism, Alice down the rabbit hole.
Tuesday Love Brownies Guildford were rumoured to be open.
Were they? Er yes and no.
A handful of people there in the afternoon, but not open. Open at five, but only to the media.
If tried to attend the media event, ordered out by ignorant Yorkshire man. How to alienate the locals, a classic example of how not to a launch event.
The success of their exclusive media event not a mention in the media.
Friday try again.
Yes, were open, only one customer, three staff.
Find a clean table. One table dirty, another piled with dirty dishes.
I settled for a stool by a shelf in an alcove. Furthest away from the door. The tables were conveniently arranged by the door, a blast of cold air every time the door opened. The tables were jammed far too close together, difficult for staff and customers to pass once it started to fill up.
I asked of the brownies. No one knew what was the difference, chocolate, double chocolate or triple chocolate. But a moot point, as only had double chocolate.
Cappuccino ordered. What size? There is only one size, the correct size.
A very long wait before order delivered, and this is an empty cafe, though it was slowly filling.
I moved away from the dirty table where I had first sat, and sat by a shelf. Banged my hand on the overhang. I banged my head again when I stood up.
Eventually a cappuccino arrived, all froth and foam with chocolate dumped on top. A brownie the size of a postage stamp.
I take the cappuccino back, say no chocolate, query the size of the brownie. It was a fraction of those on show.
I was told these were vegan, and yet I had pointed to one when ordered.
Tiny samples of a vegan brownies were on display, smaller than a sugar cube. These were ok. Unusual as vegan cakes are usually dire.
I could not say the same of what was brought to my little alcove. Very cloying. Nowhere the quality I have had at Coffee Lab when they were supplied by an independent bakery.
I questioned the cappuccino. All froth and foam, too hot, all the mistakes one could make.
It looked disgusting and was not good.
No surprise, cheap catering supply coffee from Caffe Society, clueless on coffee those making the the coffee. Not to be confused with Society Café a coffee shop serving excellent coffee.
When I queried the coffee, the usual defence for all ills, we have been trained.
An SCA qualified trainer? I doubt.
Ambience pleasant, bright and airy.
Two guys serving were pleasant.
For how long will they be giving away free brownies for birthday? Or will these free brownies be the sugar cube size samples?
Once again makes the point, cannot train baristas. Not that I would call them baristas, as to do so would be to insult baristas.
I asked of the cost of the espresso machine. Refused to say. I guessed less than £5,000. I hit the ballpark.
A good machine will be in excess of £10,000.
The size of a postage stamp brownie, anywhere else would be a sample, was in a little cardboard box.
At a time when we are trying to cut waste, reduce packaging, Love Brownies Guildford serving postage size brownies in a little cardboard box. And we thought we had a problem with supermarkets.
The brownies are shipped from Yorkshire.
Today I talked to someone who bakes quality cakes, including brownies. They said not economical to ship from Yorkshire, not unless using low quality cheap ingredients.
Though on the other hand if serving postage stamp size portions at at least pushes up the margins.
Award winning brownies?
The award, Great Taste award, a meaningless award that gets slapped on anything and everything, for which pay to obtain. No guarantee of quality.
To charge £5-50 for cheap low quality undrinkable catering supply coffee and a mediocre postage stamp size brownie is blatant rip off.
On display a glossy Surrey magazine. Not worth reading. Not sure if display or for sale.
Nothing of quality for example Cereal, Ambrosia, Drift, as find in quality coffee shops.
In a addition to mediocre brownies and poor quality coffee, what could only be described as overpriced gifts, make the whole operation look like a poundland or poor man’s version of Caracoli.
This type of tourist tat may sell to gullible American tourists in a tea shop in Ilkley, I cannot see it selling to locals in Guildford.
If wish to buy honey, local produce, try the farmers market in the High Street or the excellent cheese shop Partisan in Chapel Street.
Only half a dozen tables, which is not viable.
In Athens ice cold water brought to the table. It is called service.
In Love Brownies Guildford had to ask.
What beggars belief is fools and their money easily parted have paid £50,000 for a franchise, for what is in essence a cafe serving poor quality coffee with a very limited choice of cakes.
I am reminded of the Monty Python sketch, spam, spam or spam.
In Love Brownies Guildford, a choice of brownies or brownies or brownies.
They could have simply opened a cafe serving mediocre coffee and sourced cakes locally for a fraction of the price.
Or save on the franchise, invested in decent equipment, hired a skilled head barista, sourced quality coffee, and still had change to spare.
These days on a hiding to nothing opening a coffee shop serving poor quality coffee, as have the tax dodging corporate chains serving bad coffee. And in a town saturated with coffee shops, does nothing to add to the coffee scene.
In Guildford, if love coffee, there is Krema, ironically only a few doors away from Love Brownies Guildford. Quality coffee, a choice of cakes not restricted to brownies, and the brownies if you want brownies are at least a decent size, not a postage stamp size.
After my visit, the coffee left untouched apart from a sip, a decent coffee in Krema.
Love Brownies Guildford located in Tunsgate opposite Tunsgate Quarter zombie shopping centre.
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