Close all the pubs down now!

Brandon Lewis, the government minister for McDonald’s, thinks we should fill our High Streets with tacky fast food outlets like McDonald’s

Close all Pubs!

Close all Pubs!

Health, obesity? Bah, humbug, that is just some socialist namby-pamby Nanny State.

If the poor are too poor to eat bread, let them eat burger. That horsemeat shit is cheap enough. What do they expect at 25p for an industrial burger, prime rump steak?

Did me no good, and look at me, I’m as fat as a pig. Soon I will be a fat slob like my boss Eric Pickles.

A pickle, did you say? Yes, I will have one of those too, well ok maybe two or three.

It did not do Tweedledee and Tweedledum any harm being fat. Reminds me of the plebs casting their vote, a choice between Tweedledee or Tweedledum. Oops, not supposed to say that, but I cannot tell the two apart. Or as it plebs I am not supposed to say. It is so hard being a minister, knowing what one can and can not say. I am a new boy, did I tell you that?

Pass me the ketchup old boy. What’s this, what do you mean McDonald’s no longer do Heinz, something about a spat between them and Warren Buffett, Buffet appointed to head Heinz a crony from Burger King.

Did I tell you my mate Dave likes a burger? Or at least he was photographed holding one near his mouth. Looks good for the plebs. They did not tell you, did they, he threw up afterwards? Or was it Ed? I can never tell one from the other, they both spout the same bollocks. It must be something to do with going to the same school. Or was it Ed and Boris went to the same school, or was it Boris and Dave went to the same university? See what I mean, so much to get your head around, and always some pesky scribbler or journo trying to catch you out.

Oops, I was not meant to tell you any of that either.

Oh, it is so hard being a government minister, with no one telling you what to do or say, especially when you are the new boy. It is a bit like being School Prefect.

When I was little it was easy, we had Nanny telling us what to do. Then at school, it was Sir telling us what to do. I was not sure about the bit, taking down my trousers in his study. Oops, he told me not to talk to me about that.

I have got an outing to look forward too. It is not all boring stuff being a minister. I am going to a place called Farnburger. They used to have a stupid name like Farnborough, but they saw the new name had much greater appeal.

Farnburger twinned with McDonald's

Farnburger twinned with McDonald’s

Farnburger is my type of place. They are going to knock a dirty old pub down for a nice shiny new McDonald’s. Who wants these old buildings cluttering up the place, they look so untidy, no uniformity? And it was a pub. Who needs pubs when you can go to Tesco? They are about to open a 99P Store and soon an Adult Amusement Arcade (a gambling den between you and I).

I can see I am going to have so much fun as minister for High Streets and Pubs.

— Brandon Lewis

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